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Pathology of Sexual Desire

The Pathology of Desire

Sex is not just a activity , it’s an idea.

Our ideas about sex are so complicated that we make the activity complicated. We have complicated ideas and so have complicated our sex life.  And all this has led to the diminished  quality of sex life, sex has lost its spontaneity,  sacredness, sex has lost its scientific understanding, its simplicity and naturalness. The sex act is no longer become a loving and pleasure act instead its become a nightmarish obsession

By virtue of being born out of sex, it does not follow that we know all there is to know about sex. We are not born experts on love and sex. We have to be educated. We have to  understand what’s the attractions in sex, why there is such a push within us towards it. We have to learn how to use our energy to go through sex in a natural way and then go beyond it to a natural state of celibacy.

Of all the human desires the sexual desire is the strongest. Why do we want what we want and why do we want again and again. Is there a regular frequency of sex expected as the other normal natural body functions. Think of desire as wanting. How many people want (need) to be wanted ? Who really wants to want ?

The sexual desire problem is the process of relationship, Once recognized, sexual desire problems become a way of seeing how relationship function rather than seeing them as a sign of dysfunction or dysregulation in an individual, a relationship, a family or society. So these problems are a form of interpersonal communication.  Some Couples become celibate in attempts to “stop communicating” but even no sex says a lot.


High and Low (sexual) desires are positions in a system.

Religious orthodoxy, Sexual ignorance, Sexual abuse, Anger, Stress, and problems with intimacy affect desires. High and Low desire are always relational.  Many couples shift sexual desire positions as their relationship evolves.

How do high desire-low desire positions play out sexually?

The low desire individual  usually controls the frequency and occurrence of sex. Low desire can predispose to Sexual dysfunctions, and  Sexual dysfunctions frequently destroys intimacy because partners are distracted from each other by current anxieties and anticipated outcomes. To protect him or herself from frustration and disappointment they attempt self protection by showing low desire . So the “Causation” does not stem from either individual, rather partners co create it. The good news is that this same system can be used to increase partner’s capacity for desire and raise their overall functioning and the quality of their relationship.

The partner with the least sexual desire always controls sex.   

The low desire partner not only controls  when sex occurs, he or she often controls the content and style of sex as well. Even when partners trade high-desire/low –desire roles this system rule still holds. It also applies most times to other relationship issues that require partners willing collaboration ( e.g. having a baby)

The high desire partner complains  of feeling controlled and undesired when the low desire partner declines to have sex.  The low desire partner paradoxically feels inadequate while simultaneously feeling responsible for controlling his or her partners functioning.

Many times the high desire partner increases efforts to cure the low desire partner and attacks his adequacy which perpetuates the problem. The high desire partner  gets more control by becoming more active.While the low desire partner controls the process by doing progressively less. With little to loose and little to gain, the low desire partner adopts a superficial passive acceptance  of inadequacy and appears unmotivated to change.

This frustrates the high desire partner who typically escalates by becoming:

a)    More passively indifferent than the low desire  partner,

b)   More insistent about sexual frequency

c)    Involves in an extramarital affair. or even threatens to do so.


These non sexual interactions which thus follow are called as incongruous power hierarchies.

Why should you blame the mirror for what it reflects ? What is the fault of the snake if we are scared of it. What is the fault of heights if we are scared of it. Our biggest culprit today is our belief system, which is ancient and over thousand years old and our humanity is a byproduct of this culture and yet the human is blamed for being wrong, and not the culture. So Its amazing to see more love and healthy relationships amongst birds, insects  and trees who do not have any religion or culture.

So desire is a systemic process driven and modulated by differentiation that makes relationships for  self validation, the tendency to validate oneself emotionally through the reactions of the other and the cultural adherence  are heart of the problem.

Love is within every human being, hidden inside, it has not to be searched  from somewhere, it is there. It is the very need and longing of life within every soul on this earth,  it is the very decor of life within every one.. Its like a sculptor who works with a rock  and with a chisel and hammer  makes a wonderful statue.. Actually speaking the statue is actually hidden inside, somehow the useless mass over it was brilliantly separated.. So the question is not how to produce love and harmony in all but how to uncover it in all ?  No Pharmacotherapy but Intensive couple counseling has helped resolve the desire issues.



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