The Pathology of Desire

Sex is not just a activity , it’s an idea.

Our ideas about sex are so complicated that we make the activity complicated. We have complicated ideas and so have complicated our sex life.  And all this has led to the diminished  quality of sex life, sex has lost its spontaneity,  sacredness, sex has lost its scientific understanding, its simplicity and naturalness. The sex act is no longer become a loving and pleasure act instead its become a nightmarish obsession

By virtue of being born out of sex, it does not follow that we know all there is to know about sex. We are not born experts on love and sex. We have to be educated. We have to  understand what’s the attractions in sex, why there is such a push within us towards it. We have to learn how to use our energy to go through sex in a natural way and then go beyond it to a natural state of celibacy.

Of all the human desires the sexual desire is the strongest. Why do we want what we want and why do we want again and again. Is there a regular frequency of sex expected as the other normal natural body functions. Think of desire as wanting. How many people want (need) to be wanted ? Who really wants to want ?

The sexual desire problem is the process of relationship, Once recognized, sexual desire problems become a way of seeing how relationship function rather than seeing them as a sign of dysfunction or dysregulation in an individual, a relationship, a family or society. So these problems are a form of interpersonal communication.  Some Couples become celibate in attempts to “stop communicating” but even no sex says a lot.

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High and Low (sexual) desires are positions in a system.

Religious orthodoxy, Sexual ignorance, Sexual abuse, Anger, Stress, and problems with intimacy affect desires. High and Low desire are always relational.  Many couples shift sexual desire positions as their relationship evolves.

How do high desire-low desire positions play out sexually?

The low desire individual  usually controls the frequency and occurrence of sex. Low desire can predispose to Sexual dysfunctions, and  Sexual dysfunctions frequently destroys intimacy because partners are distracted from each other by current anxieties and anticipated outcomes. To protect him or herself from frustration and disappointment they attempt self protection by showing low desire . So the “Causation” does not stem from either individual, rather partners co create it. The good news is that this same system can be used to increase partner’s capacity for desire and raise their overall functioning and the quality of their relationship.

The partner with the least sexual desire always controls sex.   

The low desire partner not only controls  when sex occurs, he or she often controls the content and style of sex as well. Even when partners trade high-desire/low –desire roles this system rule still holds. It also applies most times to other relationship issues that require partners willing collaboration ( e.g. having a baby)

The high desire partner complains  of feeling controlled and undesired when the low desire partner declines to have sex.  The low desire partner paradoxically feels inadequate while simultaneously feeling responsible for controlling his or her partners functioning.

Many times the high desire partner increases efforts to cure the low desire partner and attacks his adequacy which perpetuates the problem. The high desire partner  gets more control by becoming more active.While the low desire partner controls the process by doing progressively less. With little to loose and little to gain, the low desire partner adopts a superficial passive acceptance  of inadequacy and appears unmotivated to change.

This frustrates the high desire partner who typically escalates by becoming:

a)    More passively indifferent than the low desire  partner,

b)   More insistent about sexual frequency

c)    Involves in an extramarital affair. or even threatens to do so.

 

These non sexual interactions which thus follow are called as incongruous power hierarchies.

Why should you blame the mirror for what it reflects ? What is the fault of the snake if we are scared of it. What is the fault of heights if we are scared of it. Our biggest culprit today is our belief system, which is ancient and over thousand years old and our humanity is a byproduct of this culture and yet the human is blamed for being wrong, and not the culture. So Its amazing to see more love and healthy relationships amongst birds, insects  and trees who do not have any religion or culture.

So desire is a systemic process driven and modulated by differentiation that makes relationships for  self validation, the tendency to validate oneself emotionally through the reactions of the other and the cultural adherence  are heart of the problem.

Love is within every human being, hidden inside, it has not to be searched  from somewhere, it is there. It is the very need and longing of life within every soul on this earth,  it is the very decor of life within every one.. Its like a sculptor who works with a rock  and with a chisel and hammer  makes a wonderful statue.. Actually speaking the statue is actually hidden inside, somehow the useless mass over it was brilliantly separated.. So the question is not how to produce love and harmony in all but how to uncover it in all ?  No Pharmacotherapy but Intensive couple counseling has helped resolve the desire issues.

 

 

“FOREPLAY”

Every Sex play  is divided into three phases each transcends into the other. The first and foremost is Foreplay, which transcends into Interplay (Intercourse) and this follows the most forgotten Afterplay.

In love making foreplay is very important and can be said to be the most passionate thing to do to ignite the fire in your minds. Foreplay if done right can leave you having the most lovely time. But, if hurriedly approached and thrown together it can show your lack of skill, ability and overall appreciation of your partner..

Foreplay refers to a wide variety of erotic stimulation that precedes “real” sex or sexual intercourse. However, behaviors that commonly are labeled as foreplay are pleasurable sexual activities in their own right and need not be thought of only as preliminary to other activities.

As part of a broader sexual interaction, foreplay is considered to be an essential component that stimulates and prepares the body and the mind/emotions to move through the phases of the sexual response cycle in preparation for orgasm.

In the era of AIDS, there has been growing emphasis on sexual contact that does not lead to intercourse. Some forms of this behavior, in which orgasm occurs without inserting the penis into the vagina or any other body cavity, have been referred to as outercourse.

The most important ingredient of foreplay is Vitamin T (Touch). Skin is the largest sex organ and the whole body is a Erogenous Zone and touching forms the main element of foreplay  because the surface of the body is covered with many receptor cells (nerve endings) that transmit pleasurable sensations to the brain. Some parts of the body, particularly the clitoris, penis, nipples, fingertips, palms, lips, tongues, and soles of the feet have more densely packed nerve endings and  all forms of pleasure during foreplay are transmitted through the skin. Consequently, caresses, hugging, holding hands, and related acts of physical intimacy, in addition to expressing key cultural meanings about caring, safety, and arousal, are important acts of foreplay.

Many people find kissing to be the fundamental act of foreplay. Kissing involves a range of behaviors from very light lip-to-lip contact, to what is often referred to as “deep” or French kissing, in which partners rub their tongues against each other and over other mouth surfaces. Generally, kissing is considered to be an extremely intimate and pleasurable act because it involves direct face-to-face contact and because the mucous membranes that cover the lips and mouth have an especially dense supply of nerve endings. Some individuals are particularly sensitive around their ears, inner thighs, or lower stomach, while breasts and nipples (for both women and men) often are highly preferred places for caressing and oral stimulation.

In addition to various sites around the body, most people are quite responsive to manual or oral contact with their pubic area, although the precise spot that is most arousing varies. For men, the underside of the full length of the penis, the head of the penis, the scrotum, or the area between the end of the scrotum and the anus (called the perineum) are often quite sensitive. Oral stimulation and sucking of these areas is referred to as oral sex. For women, the clitoris, vulva, and surrounding areas are especially sensitive. The most sensitive part in the vagina these days is  termed as G-Spot or Grafenberg spot which is located an inch above on the anterior wall of vagina just behind the pubic bone and this  is the most sensitive area and stimulating this site has even reported to have ejaculatory fluid which comes out from Skene’s glands.

For both women and men, anal stimulation may be highly stimulating  though some find manual, oral or penile stimulation of the anus to be unattractive or inhibitive.

It is sometimes said that the human body’s most erogenous zone is the mind. Foreplay, as a result, is not merely an issue of physical stimulation but also one of emotional and mental stimulation. Some people, for example, are stimulated by the physical location and setting in which foreplay occurs.

Certain things like having red soft silky sheets, blankets on the bed, red lingerie,  feeding each other with red cherries, grapes strawberries, blindfolding one of the partners and exploring each others body parts, sensual music, sensual massage with aromatic oils, sensual bathing together , nibbling, biting of nails etc also set in the ignition or are seductive and all these can be acts of foreplay.

For some, public displays of affection are highly erotic. Most people are also responsive to verbal stimulation and can become aroused by compliments and strong expressions of affection and caring. Some have personal fantasies about particular locations or activities that they find highly stimulating (e.g., a warm fireplace on a cold night). Consequently, arranging locations or the role-playing of particular desired interactions (sometimes in costume) may be incorporated into foreplay

Some fantasies may involve activities or circumstances, such as acts of dominance or submission, that are only pleasurable as fantasy and would be otherwise unacceptable. Generally, these activities require open communication, a fair degree of disinhibition, and a willingness to appease one’s partner. For some people, even light to moderate pain may be stimulating. Biting or light scratching are common acts of foreplay, but some people prefer spanking or other forms of light physical punishment.

Bondage is also considered quite arousing by some people. Acceptance or rejection of these behaviors varies, and unless a behavior is mutually enjoyable it will not contribute to providing the pleasure and sense of deep relaxation that is the central function of foreplay in human sexual interaction.

Various rubber and electrical devices (such as vibrators), sometimes called “sex toys,” have become popular in recent years. These are readily available in many areas at stores that specialize in adult merchandise. Generally, these stores also sell sexually explicit magazines and videotapes, which some couples incorporate into their foreplay activities.

Every foreplay duration has to be the majority of the time spend during the loveplay and the least time spent is during the Interplay (Intercourse). Having said that one must not forget the most important phase of sex play which is the afterplay during which  I suggest a male partner should always thank and complement the female partner by holding her tight, kissing and hugging her and the duration of afterplay should be more than the interplay. This is the key thing in getting and giving equal gratification and respect to this awesome love play. This also gives not only physical intimacy but the most important emotional intimacy  both of which are the roots of love

The basic ingredients of foreplay are physical and mental/emotional stimulation, trust, and the expression of caring. Acts of foreplay that some individuals or couples find highly erotic may be completely unacceptable to others. Consequently, open discussion, sensitivity, and acceptance are vital to a healthy approach to foreplay

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Sex Terms:

Abstinence

Not engaging in sexual activities. Which sexual activities this refers to are defined by each person.

Acquaintance Rape

When a person uses force or threat of force to have intercourse (vaginal, anal or oral) with someone he or she knows.  Also known as date rape.

Analingus

A sexual activity involving the mouth and/or tongue stimulating a partner’s anus. Also known as rimming.

Aphrodisiac

Named after the Greek goddess Aphrodite, it is something that is supposed to cause sexual arousal in a person.

Arousal

Sexual excitement or stimulation.

Artificial insemination

Artificial insemination is when sperm is placed into a female’s uterus or cervix using artificial means rather than by vaginal intercourse.

Balls

Slang term for a male’s testicles.

Banging

Having sexual intercourse or sex.  “Getting laid.”

Banging

Can mean the act of sex, but is often used to describe a measure of attractiveness. As in, “That girl is bangin’!”

Beat

Slang term for having sex.

Beating the bishop

Slang term for male masturbation.

Beaver

Slang term for a female’s vagina.

Blow Job

Oral sex on a male. Also called “giving head.”

Blue Balls

When a guy gets very sexually excited and doesn’t have an orgasm to release the sexual pressure, a full feeling or an uncomfortable ache occurs in his testicles (balls).  The guy may feel like his testicles will turn blue from the built up pressure; however, his testicles do not change color and there is no damage if the guy doesn’t ejaculate or cum

Body Image

How you see yourself, how you feel others perceive you, and what you believe about your physical appearance. Body Image is influenced more by self-esteem than by how physically attractive you are to others. It is how YOU feel about and in your body.

Boner

When the penis fills with blood in response to sexual excitement and becomes larger and stands away from the body.  Erection.

Boobs

Breasts. Also called “tits” or “titties”.

Box

Slang term for vagina.

Bust a Nut

When a man ejaculates or has an orgasm.

Butch

A gender role meaning mostly masculine and tough. Both guys and girls can be called “butch,” but generally it applies to women. Sometimes it is used to mean “lesbian” although not all lesbians are masculine.

Butt

The fleshy part of the body on which a person sits.  Buttocks.

Camel Toe

When a woman wears very tight clothing that reveals the indent between her labia.

Cherry

Another word for the hymen, which is a thin piece of tissue that partially covers the opening to the vagina in most women.

Chicken Head

A derogatory term for a girl that gives head (blow jobs) frequently.

Choad

A penis that is wider than it is long.

Choking the chicken

Slang term for male masturbation.

Cleaning the pipes

Slang term for male masturbation.

Clit

Slang for  clitoris.

Closeted

A term denoting an individual who is not open about his or her sexual orientation.  Also “in the closet.”

Come Out

The process in which a person acknowledges and shares with others that he or she is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

Consensual

When each person agrees to engage in sexual behavior. In order for any sexual activity to be consensual, each person must fully understand the situation and the potential consequences. “Consensual sex” means that no one was forced or manipulated in any way to engage in a sexual behavior.

Cooch

Slang term for vagina.

Cootchie

Slang term for a female’s vagina.

Cooter

Slang term for a female’s vagina.

Cross dresser

A person who dresses in the clothing typically associated with a different gender.  Also known as transvestite.

Cum

Slang term for semen. Cum can also be a verb referring to having an orgasm or ejaculating. Both girls and guys use this term to refer to their orgasms and sexual fluids, although it is more common for referring to a guys’ orgasm, ejaculation or semen.

Cunnilingus

Licking or sucking a woman’s clitoris or vulva.

Cyberbully

A child, preteen or teen who willfully and repeatedly harasses, threatens torments or humiliates another child, preteen or teen using e-mail, instant messaging, the Internet, digital technology or a mobile phone. When an adult is involved in any of these activities it is known as cyberharassment or cyberstalking.

Date rape

“Date rape” is when you’re raped by a friend, someone you’re dating or a romantic partner. It’s also called “Aquaintance Rape.” So, if you tell your friend or apartner you don’t want to have sex and they force you, that’s date rape, even if you’ve had sex with that person before.

Date rape often happens at parties, raves, and other places where people are “partying.” Sometimes, rapists slip “date rate” drugs into people’s drinks. These drugs can knock you out or make you unable to move or resist, making it easier for someone to rape you. It’s illegal to give these drugs to someone.

Date with Rosie palm

Slang term for male masturbation.

Dental Dam

A thin square of latex material used during dental procedures. It can be used to cover a female’s genitals during oral sex to reduce the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections. The Sheer Glyde Dam is approved by the FDA.

Dick

Slang term for a male’s penis.

Dildo

A penis-shaped sex toy often made of rubber or plastic that is used for sexual pleasure.

Donkey

Slang term for a female’s buttocks.

Double Bagging

Refers to using two condoms instead of one.  Using two condoms is not recommended because they can rub against each other and actually tear more easily.  It is best to use one latex condom, correctly and consistently.

Drag

Dressing up as someone of the other sex, or as the same sex in an exaggerated manner. A drag queen is a man who dresses as a woman, a drag king is a woman who dresses like a man.  Often people who do drag have a stage name and impersonate famous figures by singing and doing comedy for an audience.

Dry Sex

People often have different definitions of what dry sex means.  Generally, it means going through the motions of sex grinding) without inserting a penis into a vagina or into any other body part. (rubbing bodies, thrusting and without inserting a penis into a  vagina or into any other body part.

to be continued……

Love yourself first: Benefits of Mastrubation:

Masturbation, also known as self pleasure, solo sex, and autoeroticism, has long been a taboo subject and an act that most people deny doing. With the help of the medical profession, television, and the internet, it is now common knowledge that most people masturbate, some as often as every day, even if they don’t talk about it.

Historically, masturbation has had a cloud of guilt, shame, and misconception surrounding it, but we are here to tell you that it is normal, not harmful, and good for your health and spirit. It will not cause fur to grow on your palms or cause you to go blind, you will not lose your desire for sex, and it doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t satisfy you. Through self pleasure we are able to learn a lot about our bodies, including what feels good and equally important, what does not. Often the most intense orgasms are experienced during masturbation because you are able to focus just on what pleases you. You can then use this knowledge to improve your sex life with your partner. Most partners want to please each other and appreciate the knowledge gained by their partner telling or showing them what pleases them.

In addition to the obvious pleasure experienced during masturbation and gaining a better understanding of our bodies, there are some other benefits too. Masturbation:

• relieves stress
• boosts your mood by releasing endorphins
• acts as a natural sleep sedative
• is guaranteed safe sex with no risk of pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease
• takes the pressure off your partner if one of you isn’t in the mood and one is.

There are also some benefits that are unique to women only. Masturbation:

• strengthens the pelvic floor muscles for better sexual experiences and bladder control
• helps build resistance to yeast infections
• reduces PMS symptoms like tension, back ache, and cramps
• improves ability to orgasm and the quality of orgasm.

Men also reap some unique benefits from masturbation. Masturbation:

• helps you learn to better control orgasm
• encourage healthier prostate and builds resistance to prostate gland infection
• boosts immune system.

I feel that Mastrubation is one of the best ways to avoid getting HIV-AIDS, unwanted pregnancies and reduce incidence of rapes and sexual abuse.

This was the article published in Bombay Hospital Journal

Scope of Private Practice in Mumbai

Everyone lives by selling something

Health Care Organizations the world over have been going through a lot of churning due to developments in many fields, the rapid growth of knowledge in medicine & other sciences, tremendous developments in technology, increasing trends of specialization have brought in changes in the pattern of delivery of health care.  Dermographic transition, epidemiological shift, increasing consumer expectations and their changing preferences, rapid growth of private sector in health care have influenced the health care immensely. Emergence of evidence based medicine, health insurance and increasing demand for accountability for health care quality are some of the factors which have changed the paradigm in health care today.

Meeting the challenges of operating in today’s health care environment  requires a complete health care reforms and how hospitals & health care organizations are managed. A commitment to quality enhancement throughout a health care system involving all professional and service groups is essential to ensure a high quality of health care delivery.

Quality has to be planned and not left to chance occurrence  or to individual institution. Time for managing the change is running out but it is well known that a crisis period is the best time for change. Health care providers, planners, managers and others responsible for the redirection of  the industry have urgently addressed the issue of quality health care at least in some parts of our country, but still lots have to be  done.

Mumbai a vibrant, financial capital of India has all sorts of health care providers, institutions, private and public… The scope for medical practice is enormous, in every field of medicine. Not only allopathy practitioners but also Ayurveda, Homeopathy, Unani and other alternative medicine practitioners flourish here…Mumbai is facing unprecedented challenges in magnitude, diversity and complexity of health care and its delivery to Mumbaiites..

The Challenges in Health Care in the 21^st century would include population explosion, growing disparity between resources and demand, impact of HIV/AIDS, Increased cases of Diabetes, Ishcaemic Heart Diseases, Alzheimer’s, Infectious Diseases etc  and the changing demographics in the society. At the micro level one has to think of changing role of hospitals and hospital care,, primary care physicians, altered spectrum of disease and increased emphasis on Gerontology and Geriatric medicine. Also one has to change a mindset from curative health care to preventive aspects and to rehabilitation.

The most striking feature in todays health care industry is use of computers..

Are they problem or the Solution ?

Is there dehumanization of patient care ?

The message is clear….

We are entering an era of computer controlled therapy that will drive a wedge between clinicians and patients, offering potentially competent but sterile, impersonal and dehumanizing care.

Despite the fact that there are array of gadgets that could allow medical practice with minimal laying on of hands, yet the portrayal of physicians and others is that they must talk to their patients, hold their hands and provide that unique touch which would give the precise comfort and support that we envision which were widely available when family  doctors made house calls  few decades ago..

Inspite of over two decades of explosive growth of computerization very few physicians personally use the computers in providing critical care.. They mainly use this for office management, accounts , correspondences and may be some for their clinical software…For those physicians who did not grew up in the computer age, this sense of mystery breeds mistrust and even fear. How can I possibly learn about these devises ? How will I use them , or failure to use them, affect the way in which I am perceived by my colleagues or more importantly by my patients ? Will the nature of my work be  changed over time by this machine ? Is there a threat to the traditional role of care giver or a physician ? No computers can replace physicians, but there is a gnawing concern that these machines may possibly affect their practice..It is ultimately the sense of control over the technology, rather than by the technology that will allow practitioners to feel adopting computer based tools for record keeping, and other uses..

Mere existence of the computers as tools for physicians and other health care workers need not be a threat to our goal of human care, with close relationships developing between the patients and care givers, the greatest threat , as to these ideals in our current world are the fiscal, organizational and time pressures that can prevent even the most well-meaning clinicians from finding the time to sit with their patients, to listen and teach and to demonstrate the kind of concern and caring that was ironically probably one of the reasons that they entered the health care field, as the computers recede into the environment, but increasingly help the physicians find information quickly and easily, the result may be the release of time that will be available for building precisely the patient doctor relationship.

Mumbai has all the necessary resources to get all whatever a physician needs to be present in his clinic, which include, gadgets, for diagnosis, computers etc…One has to learn to market his practice… Traditionally the most acceptable marketing tool which was allowed was “word of mouth”, e.g saibaba etc.. but today threre are several mantras which can be adopted to promote the physician ethically. Most of these are time tested and shall prove greatly rewarding to all… Follow up your patients with a phone call, write a column in news papers, journals, magazines,  being on the advisory board of your own community, getting media attention during inauguration of a newly bought laser machine or a gadget with some patients treated talk about the same. Providing public lectures in their own language on common forums  like Lions, Rotary,  Giants etc,  Join a charitable clinic,. Make some pockets of communities near your practice and be in constant touch with them who can refer you patients for ever..

One more important aspect of increasing scope of private practice is Mediclaim… My advice to all is that get all your patients under mediclaim and see the rewards of your practice flourishing…The advantages are that most of the private hospitals are empanelled by the TPA’s and this system will be very useful for the patients to avail the best services at reasonable cost without wasting time on individually finding of facts , which is very difficult to find. And the patients will go to the right place without loosing time and without any tension in mind about the availability of the treatment..

Private Practice can boom to sky if one is consistent, committed,

Brilliant in his work, and develops a brand for himself by getting some media coverage etc after treating some VIP etc …Your scope of practice also increases if one gets a attachment in a five star hospital or a public hospital where interdepartmental references form a major referral ..

One more field which is virgin in Mumbai still and has a tremendous scope is telemedicine….The patient at Virar or Alibaug or in the interiors of Maharashtra can be seen, interacted, xrays  ECGs and scans can be seen, and treatment discussed and of course charged, this is a reality and this can save the time of patient and cost incurred by him to reach at the tertiary care hospital in Mumbai… And the doctor in Mumbai can get a fixed charge for seeing this patients live… This is a reality, and now patients from remote hilly areas in the north of India  e.g. areas like Kargil are being consulted for and even treated by Doctors at AIIMS in New Delhi and even Apollo Hospitals in Chennai through telemedicine…which has one of the highest scopes of medical practice..

One more field which has a tremendous scope is cosmetic surgery,

With the increasing number of Tv channels and Tv serials lots and lots of glamour struck crowd comes for  treatment and for them the looks are more than anything and they are good paymasters..

In the past few years there is so much influx of patients who come from abroad for treatment here, these are patients from Gulf, UK, Malaysia, Africa, and so many neighboring countries…for obvious reasons .This is because one thing is a fact that ,India though a developing nation has one of the finest crafty medical personnel who do a fantastic job when provided with a good infrastructure and all the facilities…The cost of health care delivery specially for certain procedures like angiography,

Angioplasty, surgical treatment like CABG, stereotaxic surgeries, complex tumor surgeries, etc are at least 10 to 15 times cheaper than any other developed country with equal or better results..

We must capitalize on this fact that we do have good private hospitals here in Mumbai and also we should develop our clinics for quality care , make our clinics more patient friendly, get accreditations and be a favorite spot for foreigners who seek to  acquire quality health care. and every family physician can play a major role in boosting his practice and contribute a lot to our country by way of providing foreign exchange  for the quality health care which can be provided to all the foreigners who seek their help…Mumbai can be one of the best centers of medical tourism for the continent in near future., and one must positively think of continued improvement in health care delivery and get their clinics accreditated by ISO or ICHA  etc which are quality assurance certifying bodies universally accepted..

A family Physician or a Primary Care Physician in a busy clinic  in the metropolis of Mumbai plays a vital role in providing  a quality health care to his patients by upgrading his clinic, making it more patient friendly, by adding at least simple things like clean drinking water, good clean toilet facility, a comfortable place to sit for the patients, a good examination table, which is not there in public hospitals including in Mumbai,  they should  have all the records of their patients, update himself with all the academic updates by attending regular CME’s workshops etc and acquire some special skills of Basic Life Support,  Advance Cardiac life support, trauma life support, Cosmetology, Counseling for Diabetic patients, Mental Health counseling etc..and have facility for some common pathological tests like routine CBC, Urine etc..X ray & Sonography facility etc.

Private Practice in summary has a great scope provided every practitioner gives a quality health care to patients which is mandatory and “raison de etre” for the medical profession and I emphasize that it needs 3 ingredients for improvement WILL, IDEAS and EXECUTION One must not forget the fact that we earn, learn and depend on our patients illnesses, pain, discomfort and hence it should be our moral duty towards our own conscious to give our patients more than they ask for…. And this mindset once adopted the scope is infinite and there shall never be a dry or a slack day….

Dr Deepak K Jumani

Porn & Spouse.

How does porn affect the female partner ? what can be done to exit from this ?

Anything can be used as an “exit” from the relationship, (an exit is anything that you use to avoid dealing with intimacy – these things are of course fine if they are not being used as avoidance).  So anything can be used to exit – not just porn – drinking, eating, shopping, talking on the phone, golf, tv, reading, working, over-focusing on the kids,  working out, email, facebook, – but for women, golf and ESPN doesnt involve their partner looking at other naked women (or men).

The threat of porn for most women is that their man is masturbating to images of other people.  Its the masturbating and the fantasy life that is the threat.  Its the fantasy life that does not include them that feels like infidelity.  (This is a conversation in and of itself….)  And if the porn use becomes compulsive, then the ”exit” is for sure avoiding being in the relationship, as much as compulsive shopping, eating, talking on the phone, or playing golf all day sunday – every sunday – every week – can be.

Most women are not threatened in the same way by ESPN – they might be worried, annoyed, angry, as they would at any exit, as would any man who feels his female or male partner exiting from the relationship.  However, when it involves the manifestation of an internal fantasy life that doesnt involve the primary partner, it adds a different level of disengagement.

But if porn is mutually enjoyed and used as Fantasy within a intimate relationship as variety  the thought is gratifying.

Semen Allergies

When his semen makes you burn–but not with desire

Here is  a situation where a couple who wanted to become pregnant had hit a dead end due to a semen or “sperm allergy.” For those of you who would like to know what a semen allergy is and how it is diagnosed and treated, here goes…

A semen allergy is caused by an allergic reaction to a particular protein in semen. The onset can vary. A woman could have been just fine with a partner’s semen for a couple of years, and then suddenly start having an allergic reaction to it for no good reason. On the other hand, a semen allergy can be there from the start. Symptoms include burning and itching.

While a semen allergy isn’t totally rare, it’s not particularly common. One way to decide if the reaction you are having is to semen or to something like chronic vaginitis is to use a condom during intercourse. (It’s best to use a polyurethane condom or perhaps one of the new Lifestyles Skyn condoms, given how your symptoms might also be from a latex allergy.) If the symptoms appear only after intercourse without a condom, it’s time to consider a semen allergy.

Aside from a complete gynecologic exam, you will need to get intradermal testing to see if you have an allergy to semen. This is where a small amount of semen is injected under the skin.

Fortunately, there is a desensitization treatment for semen allergy that is safe and effective. You need to do it under the supervision of an allergist or immunologist. It is called a “graded challenge” where diluted solutions of semen are placed in your vagina every twenty minutes until you are able to tolerate undiluted semen. The downside is that the couple has to have intercourse at least once every 48 hours to maintain the desensitization!

Another fascinating thing about semen allergy is you don’t get a bad reaction to the semen of just one guy. If you did, switching partners would be a treatment option, although not always a desired or practical one. If you get a semen allergy, it’s to a protein in semen that all men have.

Also, once you develop a semen allergy, it’s not just in your vagina. The burning and itching can occur any place where semen touches your skin, including in your mouth or up your bum. As is the case with food allergies, a semen allergy might go as fast as it came.

History of Sexology

Sexology, as a science, incorporates into its research and treatment of sexual concerns and dysfunctions the findings of psychology, sociology, philosophy, biology, zoology, anthropology, history, physiology, religion and medicine.

Clinical sexology is not the same as “sex therapy”, which bases its approach on the psychological model of talk therapy.

Clinical sexology has its roots in mid-19th Century England and Germany. Havelock Ellis (1859-1939), an English medical doctor, surgeon and sexologist, was one of the first researchers to challenge the sexual repression of the Victorian Age (generally considered to span the time of Queen Victoria’s reign, 1819-1901) along with its taboo against masturbation (now considered by sex health experts to be a normal sexual behaviour, essential for healthy sexual development).

In 1919, Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, a German physician and clinical sexologist, founded the first Institute for Sexology in Berlin (Zentrum fur Sexualwissenschaft). The Institute accumulated a vast body of research on human sexual development as well as the treatment of sexual concerns and dysfunctions. It was the first such Institute to offer a clinic for the specific purpose of treating sexual problems.

On May 6, 1933, under orders from the Nazi High Command, Brownshirts broke into the Institute and carried away its vast collection of books, research material and clinical files to be destroyed at the infamous May 10, 1933 book burning on Berlin’s Opera Square. The Institute was immediately closed. In passing, it must be stated that the later institutes, clinics and research of the great 20th century sexologists, Alfred Kinsey, Wardell Pomeroy, and Masters and Johnson had their forerunner in Hirschfeld’s Institute.

After World War II, there was a renaissance of sexology in both America and Europe. In 1948, Alfred Kinsey and his associates founded the Kinsey Institute for sexual research at the University of Indiana. In 1967 and in 1970, medical researchers and sexologists William Masters and Virginia Johnson published their vast, groundbreaking research in two separate volumes entitled Human Sexual Response and Human Sexual Inadequacy. They also founded a teaching Institute and treatment clinic. In 1983, Humbolt-Univeritat zu Berlin opened the Magnus Hirschfeld Archive for Sexology to the public.

The science of sexology is now a well established and widely taught discipline in many of the world’s leading universities

What is Sexual Confidence ?

Sexual Confidence is:

Knowing that you are a good sexual partner.

Thinking that you are sexy (regardless of your age or weight)

Being willing to flirt, or touch first.

Freedom from inhibition – you can be yourself in bed.

You are in touch with your desires – you know what you like.

Being able to say “I want you” and knowing he wants you too.

Daring to try something new – a position, sex in the kitchen, being blindfolded etc.

Understanding that a good sexual rapport can take time to develop.

Being unafraid to say no to anything that you don’t want.

Keep a healthy distance between Desires and Relationships.

Not taking your partner’s lack of desire or orgasm as your failure.

Staying calm if your partner loses his erection. (you know it happens sometimes)

Being open to hearing feedback about your technique in order to better please him.

“Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere. They’re in each other all along.”

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Romance should be a way of life, not a moment. When a couple embraces a romantic philosophy on the many levels of their marriage, life tastes sweeter. When each notices the small things, romance exists. When each considers the other first, romance exists. When each listens and each shares, romance exists. When romance is part of your marriage like breathing, the years together through the tough and tame times are so much better.”

This is good advice whether you’ve been married two years or 22, but I feel that it’s better to start early in the marriage and make it a habit. “I would offer a word of advice for newly married couples,” “Incorporate romantic principles when your marriage begins. Know that the romance in a marriage changes as each year passes. Yet, if nurtured by both parties, the romance, the relationship, will deepen and become as a precious jewel.”

The principles for keeping the magic or spark in a relationship are a combination of the physical and emotional or spiritual. Although this may sound like an old-fashioned idea, the physical perspective is to maintain a neat appearance. Often, women and men let themselves “go” the more comfortable they get in a relationship. It’s difficult to feel particularly romantic toward someone with messy hair and untidy nightgowns. This makes the partner really uncomfortable.

However, it’s a fact that romance includes a mental and spiritual connection with your mate. This doesn’t necessarily mean religious, but a shared interest in each other’s work, solving problems together and delving into spiritual or emotional issues. Building this type of emotional intimacy solders the marital connection.

For couples who are in the earlier stages of a marriage and are planning to have children, or perhaps are even trying to conceive, it’s important not to get too caught up in the “busyness or business” of sex, but rather to enjoy the moment. Many young couples, whether because they want a strictly planned pregnancy or because they’re having fertility problems, become very serious about sex once they decide to conceive.

After marriage some couples become neurotic if they do not conceive as per the advice of their gynaec to have sex during the fertility periods and thus their sex life is definitely taken for a hit.

The verbatim of some one in a therapy is like this: “Sex has become stressful because we can only really make love at certain times, and sometimes my husband doesn’t even want to do that,” she says. “We try to keep it as spontaneous as possible, but there are only certain things you can do. At this point, we’re just making the best we can out of it.”

I feel it’s important to try not to obsess about the conception aspect of sex when you are trying to conceive. Rather, you look at conception as a fun, new adventure. “When you make love with someone you care about with the purpose of reproducing, it puts a whole new intensity on the act,”. “If you begin to look at sex as a means to an end [and] conception doesn’t happen right away, couples tend to become frustrated and disappointed and then focus even more on conception rather than just having great sex.”

It has also been observed that good sex can actually assist in conception. “If a woman is more aroused and, as a result, producing more lubrication, the sperm has a better chance of survival,” “Also, if she reaches orgasm, the contractions actually help the semen get sucked up and give the sperm a running start.”

Enjoy it! Embrace it! Experience the freedom of not worrying about birth control. It may be one of the few times that you can.